The Hoof Cal Poly is a satirical column designed for students to find humor in the daily lives. If you're looking for news, this isn't it. If you're looking for sports, this is it because we have a ball. Ha. a punishment.
Eliza Winn is an environmental earth and soil science sophomore and Mustang News opinion columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of Mustang News.
On Tuesday, January 11, President Armstrong sent another school-wide email, which read:
"Dear Campus Community:
Recent events have called for a drastic change in the way that the university should go about conducting itself in relation to COVID-19. To make things easier, students will be encouraged to use two of our new test sites: Hell's Abyss Domination with the Nine Circles and Detroit after it.
With regard to false reports that an increasing number of students at Cal Poly are positive which we cannot support, this is completely untrue. Actual number of positive cases [spin wheel for number; Don't forget to delete].
For students who have tested positive, we will support you through this so that you can separate properly. Therefore, we are launching an exciting new program that sends COVID-19 positive students to the California Men's Colony north of campus on an all-expenses-paid trip that the university will cover. Who knows, maybe you'll meet a future friend!
Additionally, we are prepared for even more positive cases that are outside the scope of our graph, so we are opening other isolation locations in the Mariana Trench!
Positive students who want to quarantine at home will be encouraged to make any blockbuster of your choice via a half-eaten bagel and a $100 gift card.
To make the campus pass more effective, we will have a staff member for each student who will ensure that the campus pass is done just before noon. Failure to do so will result in action being taken against the students.
For the booster vaccine deadline, we resolve to make things as easy and accessible as possible. We will use a new system to orient which students get to go to the booster clinics first. Students who have the highest amount of "Heartbraca-Jeff-Armstrong69" in a Venmo account will be able to earn a better spot for boosters.
The University understands that these times are difficult for all of us, especially the students. To ease the stress of tuition and college loans, we will open a new program sponsored by the school called "Blood in the Water: Cal Poly Loan Shark".
In the end, I would like to ask everyone to please stop sending that petition here and there. If you can provide proof that you didn't sign the petition, it may contain a gift card to Tu Taco for you.
Sincerely,
Jeffrey D. Armstrong
Lord Ruler"